Saturday, July 17, 2021

Fifi The Cat

 "The other night I had a dream," Milton said. "And as you know, most dreams are hard to believe. It seemed so very real. I need some help to understand it, Doc."

"Go aheadt Mr. Potter," the Doctor said, "I vould like ta hear of dis dream."

Milton moistened his lips and began. "I was in a courtroom standing before a judge, who looked like a cat. Everyone in the room were cats with human characteristics. The judge looked down at me and said, 'It has been a long time Mr. Potter, but we finally have you, the famous cat killer, "Milton the Terrible."'

"'You have me confused with someone else.' I said confidently."

"'No, you are the one. Take him to the line-up.' he commanded."

"So I went to a line-up and there with me was a Dachshund, a Spaniel, and a Boxer. From behind the lights a cluster of cats clamored with heavy eastern European accents, 'He is da vun. Dats him. How coot I forget? Da years have not changed him. Dat face I shall never forget. Da human, yes da human. I spit on your mudders grave.'

They were old and crippled cats some with head scarfs wrapped tightly about their heads. As they accused me each and everyone pointed crooked and knarled kitty paws at me."

"I was quickly ushered to another room where I was given a battery of tests to classify my psychological profile. I was placed behind an automobile steering wheel and before me was a video simulation of a highway with a dog, a deer, and a cat in my path. I swerved and missed everything but the cat. It was as if the deer and the dog were more important than the cat. An innocent, but fatal blunder. Next, they placed me in a room where a recording of cow jokes, dumb blond jokes, and sick cat jokes was played. I laughed only at the sick cat jokes. I tried not to laugh, but it was just so hilarious.”

With my profile complete, I was now confirmed as the infamous cat killer 'Milton the

Terrible.' They led me back into the courtroom. Again I stood before the cat judge."

"'What were you doing on the morning of March 19th, 1965?'" he said coyly playing with his whickers."

"'I don't know. That's so long ago.'"

"'Well let me refresh your memory. You were late for school and you were pushing that '56 Chevy for all she was worth down ole Route 25 about a mile from Slabtown Road. Does the name Fluffy ring a bell Mr. Potter or should I say "Milton the Terrible?'"

"'No!' I said."

"Accusingly he retorted, 'Of course you don't remember because you didn't bother to get the name of the cat you ran over! In fact, as you saw the cat squirming in the road from your rearview mirror, you decided to back over it a few times. Didn't you Mr. Potter?'"

"I began sweating profusely. I cleared my throat. "'I just wanted to put it out of its misery.'"

"The judge shoved a picture in front of me of the accident scene. I saw a chalk outline of a cat that was at least six feet long from head to tail.

'Wait a minute!'“ I protested, 'the cat wasn't that big!'"

"'It was after you got done with it.' The judge sneered.

"The judge began again, with raised eyebrows. 'Where were you on September 3rd, 1966?'"

"The army, basic training, Ft. Dix, New Jersey."

"'Let me be more specific. You were on the firing range and a certain cat named Boots walked across on the range..’"

"I interrupted, 'But we all shot him.'"

"'Wrong! Everyone fired but you were the only one to hit poor little Boots.' He tossed an envelope before me and said, 'The ballistics report Mr. Potter.' He began once more, "'How about May 18th, 1979?'"

"'I don't recall.' I said with my head in my hands."

"'It seems you had a '67 Simca. You were backing out of the driveway. Do you recall what happened next?'"

"'Yes, yes, I felt a slight bump.'"

"'And what did you discover?'"

"'A dead cat.'"

"'Not a cat Mr. Potter, a kitten! It could have been saved.'"

"'No, no, it was too far gone.'"

"'Wrong, Mr. Potter, we have cat doctor present in this courtroom prepared to testify that all you had to do was stuff its intestines back down its throat, take your thumb and pop its eyeball back in the socket, give it mouth to mouth, fluff it up and it would have walked away a healthy cat.'"

"'I'm sorry. I'm sorry.' I sobbed."

"'If it were not for you who knows one of those cats could have aspired to greatness. You are a condemned man and I sentence you to be tortured by Fifi, the cat.' The judge pronounced."

"From the far end of the courtroom double doors swung open and a white fluffy cat

appeared, but when its mouth opened it lost its innocent appearance. The teeth were ferocious and the claws were so sharp they sparkled. I began to plead, 'Fifi, Fifi, please,

please, Fifi please.'"

"When my wife woke me I was moaning, 'Fifi, Fifi please, please, Fifi please.'"

"It’s the best I could come up with. She doesn't believe the cat dream story either, Doc. How 'bout you?"

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