Tuesday, May 17, 2022

People Worship The Grass They Walk On

 People who spend more time on their lawn than with people are sick. They are to be avoided but don’t worry, if you are not one of them they will avoid you anyway.

“Grass worshipers” is what a couple of friends called them. And it fits.

Grass worshipers have lawn globes. That’s where they worship and sacrifice earthworms to the great grass god and founder of Scott’s Miracle-Gro, Orlando Scott. 

For the grass worshiper, the globe serves several purposes. First, it is their place of worship. It is their holy shrine. It is their statue of Mary. Sometime between midnight and sunup grass worshipers bow down to the holy lawn globe. It gives strength, vitality, and a brighter shade of green to their grass. Second, grass worshipers believe the lawn globe is an intergalactic communication medium. This is where messages are transmitted from the cosmos; “Use more nitrogen.” Third, the lawn globe is a beacon for intergalactic space transport. When “they” come. That’s where “they” will be attracted. It is a friendly beacon from earthly believers. The grass worshipers will be spared what is destined to occur. Grass worshipers have actually been known to have been abducted by little green humanoids. 

The grass people are competitive about their lawns. They always brag about it. If you say you don’t care, you are marked as an infidel. 

They take care of their lawns for no other reason than to make themselves superior to others. Conversion is not their purpose; it’s separation. If you make any attempt whatsoever to prove your lawn better they will spray it with grass killer as you sleep.

They will mow when not needed and trim closer than a barber giving a six-week haircut.  They do it for no other reason than to convince others their grass is really growing that fast. They’ve been known to mow three times in one day.

Grass worshipers don’t ever use their lawn for recreation—it’s hallowed ground. You will never see one with a croquet set or volleyball net. 

They can’t bear to watch golf or baseball on real grass. They can’t imagine walking on grass in spikes or cleats. It would be like a vegan watching a Ted Nugent video.

Here’s all a person needs to do to care for their lawn; a used mower and spray tank of weed killer. The weed killer is for the trim.

If you have to mow more than once a week you’re living wrong. Most folks I know work on a ten-day cycle. That way you ruin only about one weekend a month. And if you’re really lucky it will be raining that weekend.

All kidding aside, I respect a person who cares for their lawn. Without a lawn, they could be doing something else that may actually bring harm to others. 

Yet, we want to get along in the world around us; be a good neighbor, and don’t cause needless offense. For that reason mow your grass but reasonably. Once a week is enough.

You might even buy a trimmer. The sound will put a grass worshiper to sleep. 

You don’t have to be a jerk or join their cult; just mow your lawn.

I just don’t want them lecturing me on fertilizers, pre-emergents, and aeration methods. They have their religion and I have mine.

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